Relationships

  • Finding The Elusive Balance of Masculine/Feminine

    With the New Moon in Capricorn energy coursing through this week I have been thinking a lot about legacy establishment and strategising for the long term. There is a tendency for us to think that means carving out a path and then repeating the same behaviours over and over again in order to build something that lasts. It feels rigid, lacks spontaneity and feels kind of…well…boring.

    But there’s another way to think of it.

    The long-term is indeed a culmination of our daily habits and actions. The arc of our life only exists as a result of the millions of tiny choices we make on a moment by moment basis.

    When we think about creating structure for the long-term what we really want to focus on is establishing the behaviours we can automatise that directly correlate to the type of person we want to be and the type of life we want to live. For example, being healthy doesn’t exist as an end in itself somewhere in the future. Rather it exists in us making the choice to eat more vegetables with our meal rather than have extra cake. The easier we make all of these choices, the more automatic they become, and so we create the long-term structure for being a healthy person.

    This is exactly how it works in business as well. If you want to be successful in your business over the long-term…whatever the term successful means to you…then it’s not just about signing up one client, rather it’s about asking yourself what patterns of behaviour are consistent with someone who runs a successful business.

    Here are a few of tips for creating structure in your work as you start a new business…

    🌟Get organised, define the areas of business that need regular attention – e.g. marketing, sales, product development, client services, financial planning

    🌟Assign days of the week to give your attention to each one

    🌟Commit to spending a minimum amount of time on the specific area on the allocated day – it could be as little as 10 minutes

    🌟Track when you have spent the allotted time on the area and reward yourself – ticking off a list or crossing days off on a calendar are simple but can feel incredibly rewarding

    The most important part…at first it might seem like this would create a rigid, inflexible, ‘boring’ lifestyle. Wrong. What it creates over time is an automatic pattern of behaviours that allows you to take care of your business with very low energy output. This leaves you more time and most importantly energy to be creative, to step away and see the bigger picture, to come up with new ideas to implement, to adapt the structure. But if you don’t have any structure to start with there is no space for you to move forward.

    This is how the balance of masculine and feminine energy functions optimally in our lives. Having the right mix of masculine structure, consistency and reliability along with the space and energy to receive new ideas, to move intuitively in different directions, to dance in chaos creates the most epic blend of a life filled with the constant interplay of certainty and uncertainty. It is through this dance that the magic truly comes to life.

    Use the beautiful earthy Capricorn energy to bring in the healthy masculine and let it be friends with the depths and gloriousness of your divine feminine.

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  • STRUGGLING WITH OVERWHELM? 6 Action Steps To Take Right Now

    Overwhelm…probably makes you feel a little…Anxious? Nervous? Fearful? yep, even thinking of the word can conjure an unpleasant response in our body.

    So what exactly is it, where does it come from and most importantly how do we stop it from taking over?

    Overwhelm is rooted in a feeling of powerlessness. Overwhelm happens when we have lost our sense of self and have been plunged into confusion feeling a myriad of limitless options surrounding us with no idea which way to turn. This confusion may come from outside of us or from inside our own minds – but either way – it all feels like “too much” and often makes us want to shut down.

    It pushes many of us into procrastination or gets us doing meaningless tasks that aren’t in line with our truth.

    So why does overwhelm happen? Why, even though we know it is not helpful for us, do we let it in? Why can’t we stop it?

    Here are two fundamental reasons for overwhelm 

    1) YOU ARE NOT ANCHORED IN YOUR OWN AUTHORITY

    You get overwhelmed because your focus and energy is directed outward too much. There is too much emphasis on things that are going on outside of you and what other people are doing, thinking and saying.

    This is the manifestation often of a huge boundary issue, especially for empaths. Where your sense of self and identity is based on the reflections you receive from those around you and is not generated from within.

    You then get overwhelmed because there are limitless options available to you out there and without being anchored in your own authority you have no way to narrow down those options.

    The world is simply too much and your container is always overflowing with other peoples thoughts and ideas. Your own voice is crowded out.

    2) THE VOICE OF YOUR INNER CRITIC IS LOUDER THAN YOUR INTUITION/HEART

    You haven’t cultivated a strong enough relationship with your intuition and the voice of your ego takes over often.

    Your ego voice is one of fear. This conditioned voice will keep telling you you are not good enough, you need to be small, you shouldn’t cause a scene, you shouldn’t speak up.

    You feel overwhelmed then because suddenly everything feels like too much of a challenge. Everything is too scary, too dangerous, too risky. So you end up not doing these things – your ego has won – it has kept you safe and small.

    The pressure inside your mind has overwhelmed any dreams or desires you have in life to go and do what you want to do.

    The outcome as a result of either 1) or 2) or both is that you feel small and restricted in your own life and feel out of control.

    In both scenarios you are perpetuating a concept of separateness. You are disconnected from source, disconnected from truth.

    The natural order of things is wholeness, balance and abundance. The concept of overwhelm is a construct of your mind that keeps you feeling small because it wants you to be safe. 

    Overwhelm often comes with a growth moment. It is when you are asking more of yourself than you have done before.

    But, very importantly, you CAN grow without overwhelm.

    Here’s how…

    Here are 6 tips you can action whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed in order to reduce the overwhelm and allow you to move forward in life in whichever direction you want to go

    1) GET INTO THE BODY AND MOVE THE ENERGY

    Any intuitive movement is good, even just focusing on the breath works.

    Overwhelm manifests in the body but lives in the mind. Therefore you need to acknowledge it, and then move it. Examples include dance, yoga, stretching, walking, gym workouts. Any somatic practice that takes you out of your mind and into your body works well here. This is not the best time to learn a new physical skill though because you need your mind for that. Choose easy movement that you know how to do.

    2) TELL YOURSELF A NEW STORY

    Use affirmations to change the story in your mind. The most important thing here is to find statements that feel true to you. Here are a couple of examples.

    “I am more powerful than what is making me anxious”

    “I am a divine limitless spiritual being having a human experience”

    3) SET BOUNDARIES

    This will feel hard at first and may even feel more overwhelming but once you have set them and then stick with them your life will feel so much easier.

    A very tangible example here is setting boundaries around giving your energy to others. If you are constantly being asked by other people to do things for them and have no time for you then start setting boundaries with the people in your life. State clearly that you are happy to help them out but with conditions. Give time limits, share how much resource it takes you etc. let people know what you are available for and if they ask more of you then stay firm and say “no”. Make sure you are always spending time each day giving your own energy back to yourself.

    4) BREAK DOWN TASKS

    Break down tasks into the smallest conceivable size.

    I love this Hemingway quote that always reminds me of this…he talks about writing a book, saying that the idea of writing a whole novel can feel too daunting, too overwhelming…instead of thinking this he says “all you have to do is write one true sentence”.

    That is a beautiful example of breaking down a huge, overwhelming task – writing a book – into its smallest conceivable next step – writing one sentence.

    Take that principle to your to-do list.

    5) CHANGE THE TIMELINE

    Give yourself more time to do things. You don’t need to have everything done yesterday. This is so simple and so effective.

    We consistently overestimate what we can do in a day and underestimate what we can achieve in a year or in a lifetime.

    Remember the tale of the tortoise and the hare. Consistent, sustainable effort over a long time period WILL give you results so long as you stay committed. Remember that you are in charge of your time and resources. If someone is asking too much of you you get to say “no” (remember action step 3 here)

    6) DO NOT STOP COMPLETELY

    When we get overwhelmed there is a tendency to want to shut down. But when we do that we lose momentum completely and it becomes more difficult and – to be honest – more overwhelming to start again. 

    Remember action step 4 – what is the smallest conceivable task you can do to keep the momentum rolling?

    For example, if you are moving house you may feel paralysed by overwhelm about sorting out and packing up your whole house – set yourself the task of clearing out and packing one bookshelf. The satisfaction of doing that will likely motivate and inspire you to do another shelf, and another. If it doesn’t then at the very least you have completed that one task and you can do another the next day. Just do not give up completely.

    I want to share one last BONUS action step….

    GET SUPPORT

    With all of these tips remember that you never need to go through this alone. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and like you cannot manage your life reach out and share those feelings with someone. Speaking out and sharing your experience is so so helpful in moving that energy. I want you to feel empowered to deal with overwhelm in your life but I also want you to know that empowered people still need support and guidance.

    If you are building a new coaching or healing business and are feeling overwhelmed and confused then I am here for you. I work with new coaches and healers to put together beautiful signature offers and build their business in a way that feels amazing and allows them to find success with ease, grace and flow. Click here for more information

    ALSO FEATURED ON MINDFLOWHARMONY HERE

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  • What I have learnt about love this month – a Valentine’s special

    ❤️Happy Valentine’s Day My Loves🥰😘

    And I couldn’t be happier. I used to dread this day as a single lady, never feeling more alone or unloved. But everything is so different now I have truly found the love that resides within me. The love that can be accessed and lived in all the time by all people. Our only job is to seek it until we find it, then nourish it and cultivate it until it is pouring out of us, lighting up anyone and everyone around us.

    This has been a huge moon cycle for me – I’ve come into my bleed 4 days early my body was so ready for this shift – in healing more layers (signed up for infinite layers apparently…🙋‍♀️) of my core wounds around my relationships with men, sexual abuse and pretty much every single way I made myself smaller or gave away parts of myself – sex, time, money, intellect, personality, humour… – to any man in return for ‘love’.

    Years into this journey, it surprises and excites me every single day how much there is to still discover about ourselves – these past few weeks have been eye-opening and HARD work – no one said this healing life was easy đŸ˜‰

    But with this work comes Truth – and this month I have received one of the greatest gifts of all – the redeliverance of my most sacred feminine energy.

    Calling back in this part of myself to experience at new depths has been a wild inner journey this month (friends who have held me – I love you đŸ˜˜)

    But now I have a new depth of Truth – I have felt and seen and know how I truly want to be loved. I have a new understanding of what it means to be in equanimous relationship with my own power and that of someone else’s.

    My boundaries feel stronger and more alive than ever even though I have experienced new depths of openness. I am not afraid to live in that part of myself and I know I am supported there. I know my own medicine – I delight in it and nourish myself with it every single day.

    When you feel your own depth, there is no way you can settle for less than that from another. If you are able to be more present to yourself in love than who you’re with can be, then what’s the point?

    For me a relationship is about love.

    I am deeply romantic, idealistic, dreamy, sensitive and get completely carried away in love. Why not ask to feel more love than you’ve ever felt before?🤷‍♀️ Why can’t it be like your wildest dreams?! Or better?

    All the things we’re NOT supposed to want, feel and protect ourselves against in this so-called harsh world. All the things I stopped myself from being.

    But I was closed off to my truth (perhaps The Truth) And despite (or because of) the layers of protection still got my heart smashed to pieces đŸ™‹â€â™€ď¸…and it was largely down to me…I was always wanting more, something deeper, more real but I hadn’t truly learnt to embody it for myself so was constantly placing responsibility for that on others to provide it for me (and all the rest of it that comes with painfully codependent relationships🤦‍♀️) Then of course in the end everyone ends up hurt and there’s no real love at all.

    Now I don’t care if I live in a dreamy, impractical world when it comes to love (I can be practical in other ways đŸ˜‹) I know how to live it authentically without seeking it from others and it feels intensely real to me and completely freaking epic. It is my truth and I own it for me đŸĽ°

    The love you want exists. It exists because you exist. So ask for it and don’t accept anything less from yourself or anyone else❤️

    Happy Valentine’s Day – loving you from the deepest depths of my heart đŸ˜˜â¤ď¸

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  • Why Boundaries are both Crucial and Empowering for your Relationships

    I have had to go on a steep learning curve when it comes to boundaries, very steep. Coming from a whole mass of co-dependent relationships through my childhood it has been crucial as an adult to unravel and reform these relationships so that I was able to show up as myself rather than as simply part of a dynamic.

    Do you know what I mean? Where you are with someone and you both become certain people in order to fit in with the other persons expectations or to keep the other happy. The relationship then has a certain energy that you both feel you need to maintain in order for it to be safe.

    It is a relationship based on some form of tacit agreement of who each other is. It is based on a lie. Now that is not to say all co-dependent relationships are harmful. However as an adult always moulding myself to other people lead to a total identity crisis where I had no idea who I was and this feeling that I was living a character in a film of my life rather than the life I truly wanted to live.

    So not only did I find I had to remove myself from these relationships but I also had to discover who I was. Then in creating new relationships I had to assert this new sense of self.

    Asserting a new sense of self means setting and then maintaining boundaries with other people.

    Boundaries are our way of saying I love, respect and honour myself. Our boundaries say I know who I am and these are the ways in which I want to be loved, respected and honoured by others.

    Boundaries are often seen as masculine. They are often seen as hardlines drawn to keep others out. But this is not the case at all. Boundaries are a form of self-care.

    They are not about keeping others out but rather keeping you in line with yourself. Boundaries are about knowing yourself. You can only have powerful boundaries when you know who you are.

    This doesn’t mean you can’t test them, change them, move them. But in order to set them in the first place it depends on you knowing your intuition and knowing what a ‘yes’ and what a ‘no’ sound, feel and look like.

    Transitioning from co-dependent relationships to relationships based on mutual independence has been challenging for sure. It is challenging because my ability to speak my truth has been tested at every turn. Balanced relationships based on mutual respect for the other in their entirety are incredibly rewarding but to start out with while boundaries are being asserted and lines tested they can feel tough.

    You will bash up against each others truths and find yourself in difficult conversations. But the reward for moving through it is an ever-deepening respect and love for that person.

    But commitment to being myself and being honest in that has allowed me to move forward and build deep and meaningful relationships with truly amazing humans who I love, respect and treasure.

    If I didn’t have boundaries I wouldn’t have these incredible relationships.

    P.S I purposefully haven’t spoken about abusive relationships here. If anyone ever leaves you feeling physically, verbally, emotionally or mentally abused you don’t need better boundaries…you need to get the hell away from them as fast as you can.

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