I have had to go on a steep learning curve when it comes to boundaries, very steep. Coming from a whole mass of co-dependent relationships through my childhood it has been crucial as an adult to unravel and reform these relationships so that I was able to show up as myself rather than as simply part of a dynamic.
Do you know what I mean? Where you are with someone and you both become certain people in order to fit in with the other persons expectations or to keep the other happy. The relationship then has a certain energy that you both feel you need to maintain in order for it to be safe.
It is a relationship based on some form of tacit agreement of who each other is. It is based on a lie. Now that is not to say all co-dependent relationships are harmful. However as an adult always moulding myself to other people lead to a total identity crisis where I had no idea who I was and this feeling that I was living a character in a film of my life rather than the life I truly wanted to live.
So not only did I find I had to remove myself from these relationships but I also had to discover who I was. Then in creating new relationships I had to assert this new sense of self.
Asserting a new sense of self means setting and then maintaining boundaries with other people.
Boundaries are our way of saying I love, respect and honour myself. Our boundaries say I know who I am and these are the ways in which I want to be loved, respected and honoured by others.
Boundaries are often seen as masculine. They are often seen as hardlines drawn to keep others out. But this is not the case at all. Boundaries are a form of self-care.
They are not about keeping others out but rather keeping you in line with yourself. Boundaries are about knowing yourself. You can only have powerful boundaries when you know who you are.
This doesn’t mean you can’t test them, change them, move them. But in order to set them in the first place it depends on you knowing your intuition and knowing what a ‘yes’ and what a ‘no’ sound, feel and look like.
Transitioning from co-dependent relationships to relationships based on mutual independence has been challenging for sure. It is challenging because my ability to speak my truth has been tested at every turn. Balanced relationships based on mutual respect for the other in their entirety are incredibly rewarding but to start out with while boundaries are being asserted and lines tested they can feel tough.
You will bash up against each others truths and find yourself in difficult conversations. But the reward for moving through it is an ever-deepening respect and love for that person.
But commitment to being myself and being honest in that has allowed me to move forward and build deep and meaningful relationships with truly amazing humans who I love, respect and treasure.
If I didn’t have boundaries I wouldn’t have these incredible relationships.
P.S I purposefully haven’t spoken about abusive relationships here. If anyone ever leaves you feeling physically, verbally, emotionally or mentally abused you don’t need better boundaries…you need to get the hell away from them as fast as you can.