This morning I woke up naturally, no buzzing sound of alarm calling me to ‘get my ass to the gym’, I rolled over and lay there for a while, took a few breaths and smiled to myself.
This sounds like the start of a cheesy film…perhaps it is. And I am grateful for that. Because never in a million years did I ever think this could be my life.
If you’ve been following along this blog for a while and have read ‘my story’ (find it here) then you will know I put myself through absolute hell with my diet and my body. And today all I feel is gratitude for this amazing life I have. This amazing life that I fought for myself to have.
I was once that girl who appeared to ‘have it all’ – the job, the apartment, the relationship, the money, the clothes, the bags, the holidays…..the body.
Everything looked amazing on the outside. But what I remember about being that girl wasn’t any of that. What I remember about being that girl were the endless nights I was doubled over in pain after eating a huge takeaway meal, family sized bag of crisps, a packet of biscuits, half a chocolate cake, a tub of ice cream, sharing bags of sweets and taking laxatives on top of that to try and ‘flush’ it out so I didn’t ingest the calories.
I remember waking up the next day after 2 hours of sleep feeling like I’d been hit by a truck then putting on my gym clothes and my running watch and heading out for an hour long slog down the Thames, dragging my feet along, willing my legs to carry me. I remember wishing away the hours during the day at work or with friends so that I could be at home on my own and eat.
The only thing I remember enjoying was shopping for my binges. My greatest joy in life was getting to go to the supermarket after work and spending inordinate amounts of money on snacks and treats. I would tell myself that I would only eat half when packets of cakes were on buy one get one free offers. That it was more cost effective for me to buy the biggest packets of crisps because I would eat them at some point anyway…knowing full well I could never stop mid-packet. I would play games with myself that because I had exercised and hadn’t eaten all day it was ok for me to devour 4000 calories worth of chocolate fudge brownie cake and ice cream.
My emotion-fuelled binges consumed my whole life. The sadness and helplessness that enveloped my entire life was suffocating. I look back and all I remember were hazy moments of peace found mid-binge when the sugar had started to hit and I knew I still had so much more to eat. The rest of my life was covered by a huge black cloud.
To say my life has changed is the world’s biggest understatement.
It couldn’t be more different.
Here’s a few of the ways my life has transformed –
🌟I eat whatever food whenever I want and NEVER feel guilty
🌟I enjoy ALL foods – yes, including veggies!
🌟I exercise because I enjoy it
🌟I love my body unconditionally
🌟I am WAY more fun to be around
🌟I have time to do things I enjoy
🌟I am the happiest I have ever been
🌟I LOVE my life
Tell me you don’t want more of all that for yourself?
Hand on heart, what do you want for yourself? If you had a fairy godmother who could give you one wish right now what would it be? Tell me honestly that you wouldn’t want to feel happier in your life?
You don’t need a fairy godmother – you can be your own fairy godmother and grant yourself that wish right now. All you need to do is take one step forward and say ‘I need support to move through this transition, to quit the crazy eating behaviours’. Raise your hand and say ‘I know I can do this, I know what I need to do and I know with someone by my side I will do it’.
I’ve got your back. I am asking for your permission to be there for you. I can and I will support you through this. All you need to do is say yes…