For most of my life I was the quiet one. I preferred to observe what was happening rather than let myself join in. My self-criticism was so overwhelming it was debilitating. I didn’t realise that for much of my life I was trying to make myself invisible.
My relationship with food was my big secret. My personal dieting quests, supermarket binge-food hauls and hours of obsessing over calories were my safe space. These private behaviours were what gave me the confidence to show up in the world. I used them to hide myself so that what I presented was only a very small portion of who I was and how I felt. They helped me create a facade of the person I wanted to be – thin and happy.
Does any of this feel familiar? Hiding the ‘real’ you behind your eating patterns?
When we use unhealthy behaviours, when we try to control through obsession and strict adherence to rules it is because we are trying to cope with something. Something in the world has made us feel unsafe – physically, emotionally or mentally – and we are grabbing on to something tangible to bring some semblance of normality to our lives.
The thing that has made us feel unsafe doesn’t necessarily need to be a massive trauma. But it is something that has shaken us, specifically made us question who we really are and why we are here. Maybe it was a bully in school who told us we were ugly or our parents ignoring us when we asked for help. The result of these experiences though makes us feel like there is something inherently wrong with us. We believe that as a result of who we are we are flawed. This makes us want to be small…for me it made me want to disappear completely. I perfected becoming invisible. I could be in a group with everyone talking for hours and people would not even notice I was standing there. It was exactly what I wanted to achieve but also perpetuated this feeling that I was invisible. I truly believed I wasn’t worthy of taking up space.
Emotional eating was my refuge, my way of staying visible to one person in the world, myself. Being able to control food and my body was the one way I stayed present in this world.
Our emotional eating often becomes our sanctuary. This can make it difficult to try and move away from. We know it is hurting us and we know that we are not coping but the alternative feels so scary. Why is this? Because the alternative is living our truth, showing up for ourselves and speaking up for ourselves in our lives. It doesn’t sound terrifying but have you tried it recently? Have you tried really speaking your mind? Have you tried uncovering your deepest darkest secrets to someone? Have you revealed to anyone how you feel so unlovable and so unworthy of friendship or community of any kind? Have you done this with someone who is trustworthy, loving and will listen?
The only way to stop emotional eating is to accept the fact that we will need to make ourselves visible in this world. Stopping emotional eating means stopping hiding from the world. It means taking a step forward to becoming the person we want to be. The person we truly are…which, please note, is not a depressed, hopeless waste of space. I had this belief for an incredibly long time…that the real me was a waste of space. I couldn’t accept that I had a place here on earth my self-worth was so low. BUT I’m telling you right now this is NOT TRUE.
I am so grateful everyday that I realised that I could only work on my self-worth and follow my dreams once I stopped using my controlling, obsession with food as a comfort blanket. A different life is possible for you once you step out from behind the shadow of your crazy relationship with food and stop being afraid of being seen.
But I couldn’t have done it without support. If you know you need to make a change I might be the one to support you through this. I know exactly what you need and when you need it to transition on this journey. Get in touch through the comments below or email me sasha@sashafardell.com
If you haven’t already check out my FREE Audio Masterclass on Emotional Eating – Why You Do It And How To Stop Today here
Lots of love and bye for now xx